in Story, Theory

How to Be Fly as Shit

One time I was in Hamburg, Germany and I got a text from an ex-boyfriend that made me really sad. Well, a few texts to be honest. He’s the kind of ex who you’re not on speaking terms with, but somehow convinces you to engage in conversation and thereby manages to make you sad from a different continent. (Yes, that’s an official category of exes. You know exactly the kind of boys I’m talking about.)

It was great! Not really.

What was great was how I dealt with the situation afterwards. After crying like a little baby for about ten minutes, my little sister (she and I were traveling across Europe at the time) made me repeat the following mantra: I’m fly as shit, I’m too good for you, and I don’t even have time for this right now.

So, first thing’s first: shout-out to my little sister for reminding me that I’m a total badass. Whenever I feel like I’m being dissed now (and disclaimer: maybe I’m the only one who gets dissed and/or fails at dating very often), I just tell myself that I’m fly as shit.

Say it a few times and you’ll immediately start to feel cool. I dare you.

Still, I want this reassurance technique to go deeper than just telling myself that I’m fly as shit, so I went ahead and listed a few small ways that I make myself feel like a strong, badass woman everyday.

Tips on Being Fly as Shit:

  1. Dress like you’re a fucking badass—whatever that means to you. For me, that means putting on some high-tops and a leather jacket, and looking like I just barely give a fuck. If you like to get fancy, get fancy. Either way, dressing in a way that makes you feel like a badass will make it easier for you to give off a confident, badass vibe.
  2. Be engaged in conversation. It makes people feel special, and it also makes them think that they want to talk to you a lot. [Also a pro-dating tip: Ask boys what their friends are like while on a date. This makes you look like a low-key badass right away because the guy will be instantly confused as to why you’re interested in his friends. Not only will it make him consider whether or not you’d potentially date his friends (meaning that he then assumes you have the capacity to break his heart), but you’d really just get to see how loyal he is to the people he loves. Most importantly though, you’ll get an idea of the people he’s around/who influences him.]
  3. When something is wrong, make sure to only use questions to confront the issue. Ask things like “so X happened—is X supposed to happen when Y happens?” Avoiding declarative sentences means you’re more likely to be perceived as non-threatening. It also superficially empowers the person you’re talking to (who’s obviously fucking wrong) by allowing them to come to the conclusion you want them to see on their own (which also means they’ll be more apt to believe your point). And, plus, they’ll eventually realize that you knew what was up all along and they’ll respect the shit out of you.
  4. Wear shit that smells good. It’ll remind you of how classy you are. Again, that could just be newly washed linens, or it could be super expensive perfume, or it could even be men’s deodorant (Irish Spring smells really good and it’s not even that gender-specific—it just smells like delicious soap so sometimes I go that route. Let’s be honest though—fuck gender norms, so just wear whatever you want to). At some point in the day, you’ll get a whiff of yourself and be like “damn, I’m fly as shit.”
  5. Tell people when they make you uncomfortable. If you don’t confront it directly, odds are they’re going to keep doing it. Forever. And then you’ll always be uncomfortable and you’ll never be a badass.
  6. Post whatever the H-E-double hockey sticks you want on social media. As long as you don’t take it (or yourself) too seriously and you’re not being unnecessarily obnoxious or aggressive (because that makes you look like a dumbass), post those selfies, or those food-pics, or those fun-drunken pics, or those awkward and weirdly hilarious captions. Make fun of yourself. You shouldn’t be afraid to look stupid or ugly because you should be confident in the fact that you obviously aren’t stupid or ugly. The more ridiculous stuff you’re okay with posting, the more people know you don’t care about that contrived image. The more you don’t care about image, the more of a badass you are.

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